hole in a whole

The more grotesque things become the vaguer I am forced to be. And the less I feel like I can discuss this with anyone, the harder it becomes to bear.


caption © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

I met with the Ass Doctor this morning. He is a man with no sense of humor and no facial expressions. The examination was humiliating, but, uh, thorough. Most people with my particular condition actually have Crohn's Disease, which if you are not familiar, is a fairly horrible chronic autoimmune disease, where basically your intestines and or digestive system fails to operate properly. I am hoping that what I have is just a fluke and unrelated. Along with the condition, the past couple of months I have had some minor abdominal pain. Some weird feelings in my chest after I eat. And around May I was forced to stop drinking coffee and tea in the morning because they made me incredibly nauseous. This could be indicative of something. Or nothing. But to rule out Crohn's, I am going to have another exciting test with a vile name that is basically an xray of my intestines. Next week. Along with pre-op blood tests.


strains © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

Then he said, I want to do another exam under anaesthesia on you. But. Depending on what they find and how my condition presents itself, I may or may not have a surgery also at that time. I may or may not have a device implanted in me to help ease the infection so we can get ready for either a rather dubious sounding surgery, or one of a number of odd quacky sounding methods for healing this, including filling it with glue. If I had known I could have fixed this with Elmer's in February, gosh I woulda gotten right on that, I had some on hand even.


tightrope © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

So one month from now, exam under anaesthesia, take 2, and possible surgery. Not, surprisingly, involving Hot Doctor at all. Which sadly makes me think that going to see Hot Doctor was completely superfluous. And yet another wrench thrown in the works by my Original Asshole Doctor. I feel utterly deflated. Exhausted. I hoped to get my hair fixed so I could at least redeem the ugliness I felt inside considering how long it will take me to heal when the real action is another month off. Alas, my hair woman is away getting trained. More fear when my mother offers to take me home with her if I need longer term care. She is an LPN. The idea of losing my life again makes me want to vomit. The thought of not being able to work and have a steady income... and be dependent on my mother is terrifying.


insular © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

I try not to let it all sink in at once. Instead trying to preoccupy myself with other things that give me some joy. I let Miss Plum and Bruce Grant talk me into taking a walk to Gray's Ferry on Sunday. It was a perfectly stunning day and not only did I find loads of pieces to work with for my walls project, but broke from the wild uber-detailed project to create some super-minimal one off shots I was really pleased with. I might be swayed to go out again this weekend, since I should enjoy my mobility and the kind weather while I have both.


corset © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

They uncannily match my mood and feelings to a T....