heartless

the open heart © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

Even on those few and far between February 14th's when I was actually seeing someone, I cannot seem to recall one that felt even mildly special. Not in my wildest dreams though, did I imagine that what started one year ago today with the sinking of a scalpel into my tenderest flesh would still be haunting me today. My body breaks, my heart follows, my heart starts to heal, surely... body you can bring up the rear, right? The end of February is filled to near capacity with work, assignments, engagements, travels and possibly some hope.


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This week is burgeoning... not with the hope so much as the work, billing, sales, assignments, and planning thereof. In the space of a few hours, I sealed the deal with Pantone for a year's use of my wall recognize, was featured on Etsy front page, had a sale on Etsy, and invoiced for Monday's shoot with the Onion Flats architects/developers for AIA as well as a newly commissioned wall for Lifestyle which I will be working on tomorrow. It is clearly time to buy the wide angle I have been wanting/needing.


plume © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

Yes... so lots of opportunities and exposure and all the good stuff. But my heart feels barren. Will better marketing and creativity fix that? More sales? How about working harder? Friday-ArtFag-Pierogie-Lost-on-DVD-Nights with Shanners? Well her sofa is softer than mine so I can at least forget about how much my ass hurts for a few hours. Maybe it is just this week, flecked with love and pains that leaves me feeling under a tremendous weight. Perhaps this just feels more like New Year's Day than the day itself and after all the months of not knowing what was wrong with me, setting goals in my mind, over and over... by my birthday I'll be better... by Thanksgiving I'll be better... certainly by New Year's, I'll be better... certainly after a year.... nothing will have changed at all, except the things I seem to have lost in the meantime. Last April I was at a peak of frenzy professionally and finally gathered my strength to change things. How could I have known... it could never be enough.


I know why © Laura Kicey. All Rights Reserved.

This will pass, as it all eventually does. If you came here for tales of romance, I suspect someone ought to tell you, you are at the wrong blog.